Wondering if your mother-in-law is just “a lot,” or if you’re actually dealing with a truly toxic mother-in-law situation? You are so not the only one lying awake replaying her comments and wondering what to do when this relationship feels way too involved in your marriage and family. In this episode, we’re talking about how a toxic mother-in-law dynamic starts to erode your sense of safety at home.

Dr. Tracy Dalgleish - clinical psychologist, couples therapist, and author of You, Your Husband and His Mother - joins me to talk honestly about what happens when your partner is still emotionally tied to his mom, you’re trying to build a healthy new family, and you keep getting caught in the middle. We look at why some moms struggle to let go, why so many women end up over-functioning for everyone, and why so many men freeze or minimize when it’s time to set boundaries with a toxic mother-in-law… and then we talk about what you can do: becoming a united “vault” as a couple, setting real boundaries instead of endless “requests,” and getting clear on your options when the dynamic with your mother-in-law is starting to feel unbearable.

Here’s how we walk through it together:

00:00 Why Mother-in-Law Conflicts Hurt Communication and Connection

03:14 Dr. Tracy’s Story and Why She Wrote “You, Your Husband and His Mother”

05:24 Mother–Son Bonds, Gender Roles, and the Roots of Toxic Mother-in-Law Dynamics

11:03 Unhealthy Family Patterns: Control, Enmeshment, and Emotional Caretaking of Mom

20:56 Overfunctioning Wives, Underfunctioning Husbands, and the Mother–Child Dynamic

24:39 The VAULT Method: Becoming a United Couple and Setting Boundaries with In-Laws

30:48 Requests vs Boundaries: What Really Works with a Toxic Mother-in-Law

51:41 Change, Accept, or Leave: Your Choices in a Toxic Mother-in-Law Situation

If this stirs up a very specific conversation with your partner (or a replay of your last holiday with his mom) and your chest tightens a little, I have something for exactly that moment. My Communication That Connects training walks you through the evidence-based do’s and don’ts of communication that actually creates understanding instead of more defensiveness and hurt. I’ll help you get clear about the real issues under your fights, give you a framework you can start using right away with your partner, and walk you step-by-step through how to have hard conversations in a way that protects your emotional bond instead of tearing it down.

And if you’re at the point where you’re thinking, “I don’t want to keep holding this all together by myself,” I would be genuinely honored to support you more directly. At Growing Self, you can privately tell us what’s going on with your marriage, your mother-in-law, your family, and we’ll help you connect with the right therapist or coach on my team. It’s a simple, secure way to raise your hand and say, “Here’s what I’m struggling with, please point me to the right person.” You can start that process anytime by scheduling a consultation.

You deserve a family life that feels safe, sane, and loving, even if your extended family is… a lot. 💗

xoxo,

Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby
Growing Self